Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
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There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it