bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
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If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
become ungovernable
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast