Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
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Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.