Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
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Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES