Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
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Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
SPLOOT
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
Finally
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.