Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
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My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”