Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
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Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
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( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever