[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
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Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.