@GrantTanaka

band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS

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@_SetTheHook_

If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”

It means take a nap.

@valerie_tosi

The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”

@better_off_dad2

*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?

~How my send button should function

@Book_Krazy

Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired

Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday

@truegritrumble

DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.

@kyry5

Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively

@TheAndrewNadeau

If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.

@Carbosly

Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.

@kelkulus

I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”