If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
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The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*Have you been drinking?
*What time is it?
~How my send button should function
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”