band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
You Might Also Like
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Feels
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Flock of bats
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up