Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler

I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.

Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.

“Worm Regards”

Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams

When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:

Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*

[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]

detective: what happened?

librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks

detective: how’d he do that?

librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket

since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys

Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”

me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you

hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol

Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone

Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.

(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*

Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*

Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.

*returns to the present to find a world without children*

My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus

Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”

My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.

*googles how the hell I ended up here*

I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”

[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww

You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.

Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today

The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides

Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.

I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.

NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:

You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay

I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.