Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
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[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit