*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
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My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.