*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
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By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
Florida be like…
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
that de-escalated quickly