@adamgreattweet

bank account: $1400

me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints

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@FrenulumBreve

[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM

@o__0Dev

Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.

@TheRolo

[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor*

*Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*

*Makes clean getaway*

@Parentpains

You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways

– People who apparently want to go missing

@carlyken

If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted

@MakesYouGiggle

Me: I just want to sleep!

Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!

Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.