bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
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It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.