BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
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A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.