Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
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Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
I love you…
…r dog.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
this FaceApp is creepy af
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it