bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
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and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
giddy up Office Depot