[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
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Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”