bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
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seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
I think we should hear other voices.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
They’re on their honeymoon
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?