Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
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*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
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People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”