bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
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I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.