bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
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Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
hackers play passwordle
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
I needed a laugh this morning.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God