bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
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Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????