BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
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My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf