@bobvulfov

BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time

You Might Also Like

@Playing4Second

CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint

@junejuly12

After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.

@sarcasticmommy4

I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.

@UnicornSyrup

Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.

@notfaizzy

Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.

@thedad

Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want

Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die

@MattMcGruff

Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed

Me- That’s heroin

Officer-…

Me- Want some?

Officer-…

Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs

@gyaankakarishma

Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛

@Ygrene

At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave

@Travon

I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.