BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
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Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
You got this…
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.