@bobvulfov

BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time

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@InternetHippo

Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down

@Mom_Overboard

Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…

Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?

@XplodingUnicorn

[getting ready for church]

Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.

6-year-old: Okay.

Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.

6: *gets dressed in record time*

@SirEviscerate

DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah

@bwebster76

Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.

@ComradTwitty

You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.

@TheWoofWorld

Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you

@TweetPotato314

mortician: can you come ID the body

wife: what’s it wearing

mortician: just a pair of dress jorts

wife: anything in the pocket

mortician: chicken nugg-

wife: that’s him