CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
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After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Me- Want some?
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.