Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
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Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
Always leave them wanting their money back.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him