bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
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Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
Every. Damn. Time.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
That stupid look on my face, is my face
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”