bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
You Might Also Like
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy