BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
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Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Something Saturday.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.