[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
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Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.