[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
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You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.