[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
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2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
I only look at Wordle for the articles