BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
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I gave up going to work for lent.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
Bartenders are just boneless bars
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.