bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
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My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.