BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
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[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*