bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
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“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?