Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
You Might Also Like
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.