[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
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I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
blocked.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.