[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
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My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
Things will get butter, keep churning
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.