[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
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Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
Golf would be better with landmines.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it