[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
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I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
hi why am I like this
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind