banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
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My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
Festive toon…
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?