banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
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interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
when someone compliments me
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”