Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
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I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.