Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
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The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.