[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
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My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please