*Bar fight*

Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.

Me: Ok.

*friend tackles guy at waist*

*me, singing falsetto*

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I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question


Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.


Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside


“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”


Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.


[Murderer breaks into my house]

Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”


If social media platforms were weddings:

FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception

IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback

Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk


See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket