@DrunksWithGuns

*Bar fight*

Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.

Me: Ok.

*friend tackles guy at waist*

*me, singing falsetto*

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@QueefSandwich

I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question

@AmishPornStar1

Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.

@dumbbeezie

Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside

@BlondAmbitionTO

“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”

@JohnLyonTweets

Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.

@stephenjmolloy

[Murderer breaks into my house]

Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”

@KnownComment

If social media platforms were weddings:

FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception

IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback

Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk

@Heatinblack

See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket