[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
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Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??