Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
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Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
had to share :’)
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
Me: how are you
Friday: good
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
nice challenge