Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
You Might Also Like
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
The news in a nutshell.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
6. me as a lawyer
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”